(Seared Tofu Anglaise)

A week or so ago I mentioned that we have roommates in our house that are vegetarian.  I also mentioned how the degree of difficulty in recipes has risen because of that. I’m not a vegetarian and I don’t understand the whole logic behind it, sorry.

The thing that makes me angry with most vegetarians is the constant struggle with trying to make their food look like mine….meat food!  “Look Eric, it’s a veggie burger and it tastes just like a real burger”. Look, I don’t know what meat you’ve ever eaten but that crap doesn’t even taste like a burger wrapper. Stop trying to fool me vegetarians, I know what a burger tastes like. “Eric, look at this tofurkey, it’s in the shape of a turkey but it’s made of tofu and it tastes just like….”. Really….you have got to be sh$@(*% me. Listen, if you want to bring that to a party just so you can sneak attack one of my real burgers or pieces of real turkey then go right ahead, I won’t say anything. Trying to fool me into believing that random assortment of throw away vegetables is “ground beef” or a “real hot dog” or whatever the hell you’re trying to make into a meat sculpture isn’t going to make you a winner in my book.

If you don’t eat meat then let me make something for you that will taste phenomenal and leave you realizing that you are proud to be a vegetarian and not leaving you feeling as though you are a meat imposter.  Do people that quit smoking smoke fake cigarettes? Yeah, the idiots do. Man up and quit all the way or just smoke a freaking pack a day.

I hope I’m getting my point across here because the next person that tells me something about a non-meat product that looks like a meat product is getting voted off the island…..that’s right, I have an island and you’re off it!

Vegetarians, you have great food. There, I said it. Vegetables galore, pasta, potatoes, rice, etc……..It really is awesome! You have access to so much stuff that is amazing that it even makes me jealous sometimes…….holy crap, I didn’t even realize you could put those two things together but it works and it’s backflipping high-fiving fantastic! Please stop trying to be like meat, you’re not fooling anyone. Oh, and vegans……you’re trying too hard, enough already.

Why yes, I am ready for my first P.E.T.A. protest. I’ll shun them away when I tell them that I created a vegan bacon hummus that tastes exactly like real bacon but without all the awesome fat taste……really, I did. If it was my choice I would have added bacon to the damn thing but it was a hired job….yes, I realize I am contributing to the problem but I never made it look like bacon, just taste like it…….. Click here!

Eric, you sure went a long way just to contradict yourself. No, I didn’t………Like I said, it was a hired job. The pay was crappy but nonetheless I created something so someone else could make a bunch of money! The story of my life…….”this will give you great exposure” usually means, “we can’t pay you a lot but we’ll make a bunch of money from it and you’ll never see any of it….here’s $20 for your time”.   This is another reason I am going to school.  You can ask Eric to do free favors but you won’t be able to get the same from my alter ego, Chef Eric. Chef Eric will have $50,000 worth of student loans to pay and Chef Eric’s wife, Mindy, needs new shoes and free doesn’t buy her a new pair of Christian Dior’s.

What just happened there? Vegetarian to vegan to Chef Eric and his alter ego? Hmmmmmmmmmmm………………..

Let’s get this thing back on track!

Equipment:

• Large sauce pan
• Saute pan
• Stock pot with salty water
• Food processor or food mill

Ingredients:

• Mushrooms, fluted with scraps   (fluted? I’ll get to it soon)
• Mirepoix (celery, carrots, onions)
• Roasted red pepper
• Black olives
• Clarified butter
• Parmesan cheese
• Whole soft butter
• Extra firm tofu, dried and sliced to about a half an inch thick
• Parsley, minced
• Shallot, minced
• Salt and pepper
• White wine
• Stewed tomatoes

Procedure:

1. Add meat, just kidding
2. In the sauce pan add a little clarified butter then sweat the mirepoix and add the mushroom scraps at the same time
3. Pour a little white wine in then add the tomatoes, roasted red pepper, salt, pepper, and simmer for 25 minutes or so.
4. In the meantime, heat up clarified butter in saute pan then add shallots and parsley
5. Place tofu and fluted mushrooms in and sear each side of tofu
6. Remove tofu and mushrooms from heat and let rest.
7. Remove sauce from stove then place in food mill or food processor and liquify
8. Strain sauce
9. Cook pasta in salty water
10. Place sauce back into sauce pan and stir in a bit of whole butter
11. Fold pasta into sauce then add parmesan
12. Place tofu and mushrooms on plate then place pasta on top and serve

Enjoy,

Eric